happy christmas and merry holidays!
hello everyone and merry christmas!
i miss and love you all, and i hope your day is wonderful. i, for one, will be spending mine with rich, beautiful gay men in the castro st. starbucks. let's hope the drinks and tips flow generously. (the lattes, don't get your hopes up.)
have a wonderful holiday people. and let's all try not to get offended by the terminology, on any side. after all, isn't that what the (insert your favorite word here) spirit is all about?
interesting and sad
there is so much going on in our country right now. everything that happens seems to have so many layers. natural disasters are no longer just environmental events out of human control. now hurricanes spark arguments about everything from fuel emissions and global warming to the relationship between federal and local government. this morning i've been listening to Special Counsel Patrick Fitzgerald give a press conference about the Plame/Wilson CIA leak. this case is fascinating to me in so many ways. it has brought up questions about the intentions of this administration, the way the CIA and executive branch interrelate, and of course the issues that always come up when reporters are involved. one of the interesting things brought up about the first amendment issues for reporters was this: in most investigations when reporters are subpoenaed, they are simply privy to information *about* a crime. in this particular circumstance, the reporters involved were actually *witnesses* to (or participants in) the alleged crime, since the crime was in the leaking of the information. sooo interesting. it also holds added interest for me since we know the Wilsons (Joseph and Valerie and their kids) personally. it's been like watching west wing in real life :) except for the part where it ruined the career and lifestyle of someone we know.
i guess what i'm saying is that i've been fascinated by the exposed inner-workings of our country and government this year. i have been devastated and crushed and depressed by all the tragedies this year, not just in the U.S of course but all over the world. these things have been terrible, and the future doctor and empathizer in me cringes and hurts every time something happens. but the non-emotional parts of me are beyond curious and interested about all the processes, government interactions, and human interactions that are sparked by these events.
...please excuse the scatteredness, i don't listen to press releases and write well at the same time.
i guess it's just been a stimulating and moving time in our lives, intellectually and emotionally.
a few updates
hello peoples. if you've come here from livejournal you know my day began badly and ended nicely, with the discovery of a friend's Senegal blog and a bunch of tulips from my wonderful boyfriend. i've been meaning to update for a while, and tonight i'm in a sufficiently good and bloggy mood. this post might be excessive in length and gushiness. at least i always warn you in advance.
i don't know why i get into funks. or slumps. or those things i use to describe my own mildish depression. missing everyone i am close to was definitely a contributing factor. i'm not used to living away from all the people i love, distanced from so many close relationships. poor chris has been living under the pressure of all my energy from those relationships, focused and directed to only one person. he's been doing a beautiful job of it. he has his own concerns to worry about, school and direction and other things. yet he remains understanding and attentive. i love him for caring and for living up to what i need or expect or deserve. it is good to be loved.
mentioning those other relationships brings me to my utah trip. for lack of an lj cut:
scroll down if you want to skip the utah descriptions.
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it was so... soothing and overwhelming and wonderful. i got to see people i miss very, very much. i spent a lot of time with my mom, which was wonderful, and i also got to see my dad and stepdad. i am very fortunate to have these people for my parents. i stayed in what used to be my room in salt lake. the moment i moved out of it, davey moved into it, morphing it into his room (one of two at that point). now dave is up at the U of U in the Honors House, and my parents have turned both rooms into adult rooms, a guest bedroom and little office for my mom. my room no longer has any of my things in it, and the walls are painted a dark red-orange color (the whole house looks really good now), and so it was my room and not my room at all. that was sort of the way i felt about the whole trip. leaving the bay area i was emotionally confused about where i was going. my apartment is my space now. it contains the material things that make up my life, chris is there, and it is the place i go to be comfortable and at-ease and relax. this makes it my home for now. but salt lake will always be my home, with the wasatch elementary and west high and my parents' house and the maryland. the university campus is very much a part of my home. i miss it more than i thought possible. and then there is sundance, which will always be my home base and the place i was raised. sundance in the fall is something that makes me realize i have a soul and passions and emotions that run deeper than even i know. so when i was asked in the airport if i was "coming or going", i had no idea how to answer.
i spent a lot of time with brie. brie is most of the reason i planned this particular trip. our relationship is different and more co-dependent than the relationships with many of my other friends. co-dependent in a good way i guess. after spending an entire phone call crying with each other over the good and bad things in our lives, i realized we were overdue for some quality brie-elaine time. she is doing remarkably well for starting a new school, practically a new life, and with patrick in iraq. one month down, eleven to go. he seems to be doing well, at least. it was so good to be with brie. we understand each other in a way that i don't have with many people, and our relationship is very important to me. brie understands me when i feel overwhelmed by all the happy things and the achingly sad things in our lives. we spent one morning reconstructing the last five years of our lives and where those years had taken us. sooo interesting and strange.
i also got to see many of my other friends. i spent an evening with jill and christina, laughing and eating pizza and drinking wine. i love those girls. later i met marc and jillian at coffee break. it was so damn good to see you guys. marc gave me a sphygmomanometer to send to ghana and some mcat stuff, which was thoughtful and really nice of him. thanks! i was glad to see jillian. it's so fun to spend more time with people that i'm closer to after high school than i was during. i also went to the maryland and saw joe and emiko. that was another weird home experience because i lived there for two years, one alone and one with joe and chris. bizarre. it was great to see joe. he's been my best friend since he was born and we'll always be close. it's so hard not to worry about the people i moved away from. especially the ones i've spent my life looking out for, my sundance friends. i also got to see the rest of the family in orem. the little girls are getting so big and it was wonderful to see ann and katie. i worry a lot about katie too, but she is beatiful and interesting and seems to be doing pretty well. i visited bryce at his house. it was great to see him and it made me miss chemistry and studying with him.
davey came back early from his fall break in las vegas (hehe) so i got to see him and his dorm. it's crazy that my little brother is all grown up and studying arabic, among other things, at my university. it was so wonderful to see you mr. davey. i'm so glad you are still in my life. you are so amazing and intelligent and getting mature but still tons of fun. i love you.
so... yeah. visiting utah was really good for me, but sad in a lot of ways too. it makes me feel old to visit my friends like that. i feel a little like i abandoned some of them, and i can't shake worrying about the people i have spent my entire life with. but it's part of why i needed to move away. i needed to live my own life a little more and other people's lives a little less. and i'm doing that, but it's really scary and a little lonely. i have so many close relationships, and i feel a bit naked without them. it keeps me inside my own head more often, which can be a good thing or a bad thing. i guess i'll wait and see.
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it was fun to come back to san francisco and have it me coming home, not visiting. i love our apartment and living in this city. going home was much needed but it also helped me realize how happy i am to be here. i haven't been appreciating it as much as i should because i've been dwelling on the things that are sad or scary about living away from home.
i got home on monday and my mom flew to san francisco on thursday for a funeral in sacramento on friday. she stayed with us on the mats on our floor. it was so fun to have her visit. i love my mom and i enjoy doing things with her. either by chance or because she raised me or both, we love so many of the same things. we wandered and went to bookstores and enjoyed san francisco. she loves this city so much, and it reminded me that this is my dream city too. and i'm living here. so i need to quit being so bummed about things and just enjoy being in the place i've always wanted to move to. i can't believe i'm actually here, and it's wonderful.
going to the funeral also gave me a reality check. i have so much to be happy about, and relatively little to get so sad about. my great aunt elaine is an amazing woman. her husband, ray, died of cancer recently, and this was the service the family came together for. it's sad, but not devastating, when somebody dies in old age. the sad part is how much death there has been in this family in the past year. first elaine's granddaughter emily, a twenty-something, bright, happy law student, died randomly in her sleep. emily's mom, chris, had cancer at the time, and not too long after emily died, chris died too. they knew at the time of each death that there would be more to come. it has been a devastating year for this family, but especially for aunt elaine. it is a terrible thing to outlive your children, and to have first her grandaughter, then daughter, then husband all die is too much to bear. i don't know how she will do in the next while. i don't think i could handle it.
despite the occassion, it was interesting to meet the other people in my family that i've heard about all my life and never met. especially elliot and oliver, 19 and 23 year old cousins who grew up around the world because their parents were ambassadors to several countries. their dad is currently in kenya, and i would love to take advantage of the connection and visit. it was funny to see the grass is always greener concept in motion. i am beyond restless to travel the world and visit all the countries they lived in, while they are irritated to some extent that their lives were so mobile and bizarre. it takes all kinds, i guess.
now i'm settling back into working and living here. i have so much more exploring to do in san francisco, and i'm excited about it. i also have berkeley and volunteering and figuring out my plans to worry about, but i don't want to write about that right now. hopefully i'll be volunteering in mississippi in november. i still have to find out if the program i'm looking at will take me. if they do, i'll have to scrounge up a tent and sleeping bag (i should probably own a personal set) and get going. i think starbucks will treat it as personal leave, which means i won't be totally out of money, and they will pay whichever group i volunteer with for my time, so it should all work out. even if i don't go in november, i'll definitely go sometime in the near future. maybe to new orleans once it's a little more ready for volunteers.
i'm so frustrated about not having any medical certification to help out. i'm going to go through the red cross training to be an EMT and disaster responder. once you get experience locally they put you on a list for national and international crisis response. i would love to get to that point.
sooooooo. more than you ever wanted to know about my life. it's quite obvious this blog is functioning as a journal. i need it to clear my head. you can read if you want or skim when necessary. but you'll do that anyway. i'm so happy to have friends doing so many interesting things, who still have time to be there for each other. *love*
goodnight peoples.
hello goodbye
you say yes... i say no...
sorry, beatles moment. this is just a short post to say i'm still alive and kicking. i need to post about a billion different things but instead i'm going to go visit friends and family in utah. that doesn't help you, but it sure makes me happy. for now, a short, list version of all the things i want to post about.
the
hardly strictly bluegrass festival in golden gate park. so much fun to see dolly parton, rosanne cash, and emmylou harris, among others.
walking around and generally enjoying the city and the bay.
plans to go volunteer in new orleans or biloxi in november.
the mcat book i just spent 75 dollars on. *weeps*
applying as a transfer to the new biochemistry major at berkeley.
getting EMT certification.
um... i know there was more... i just can't think of it right now.
so, that's what i'm up to. i'm so excited to go see everyone in utah. i miss the close relationships i have with everyone there. someday maybe i'll form new ones here, but for now they are mostly the ones i left behind.
birthday love
happy birthday, chris!
we've come such a long way since you teased me on the school bus in junior high.
sometime during high school, you and i grew out of our bully and crybaby phases, respectively. ok, let's face it, i never grew out of my crybaby phase, my priorities just changed. now i just cry harder about things that seem scarier than boys towel-whipping me at the swimming pool. we started to get along swimmingly (har har), whatever the reasons. as our friendship grew stronger, i found myself oddly comfortable with you. there were so many late night conversations, mostly online, when we tried to help each other with the difficulties we faced in high school: parents, relationships, school... the list goes on. even when we didn't spend much time together, you somehow knew and understood the way my mind worked, and i yours. i remember thinking it was strange, but really nice, that you could always say the right thing to make me feel better. if not better, then at least more like myself when i was feeling lost and dizzy. i didn't understand then how important that trait would be later, that you would one day be what i held on to when my entire world seemed to be dissolving under my feet. i saw in you an amazing kindness, sensitivity and vulnerability. it was well guarded, but i could feel it and i loved you for it. you were a wonderful friend during a time when friends are often flighty and shallow.
three years ago today i walked into west high's front entrance as a freshly single high school senior. my life was one big possibility at that point. i guess it still is. even so, when i found you in the commons before class to give you a giant birthday hug (you always gave the best hugs), i would never in a million years have guessed we'd end up where we are today. i still think about that. what it would be like to go back to ourselves then and say, "in three years, you'll be living together in a studio apartment in san francisco". i think my highschool self would first faint from shock, and then be rather pleased. it seems bizarre that only a few months later we were both single and hanging out when all of a sudden - hey, i like you rather a lot. woah.
since high school we have been through a lot. living together at my parent's house until we graduated, you moving to oregon for school, a long-distance relationship, my mini freshman year identity/relationship crisis, contacting your birth family for the first time, davey attempting suicide, me going to africa, you meeting your biological mom in canada... so many things. through all of that, you have been my comfort and support. i have tried to be the same for you. i think i might have died from heartbreak that first night when davey was in the hospital if i hadn't known you were on the other end of my cell phone. i can picture you in my mind, waking groggily to a terrified elaine, then waiting up in all night by the phone in your dorm for updates. it is only because you flew out that i made it through that whole ordeal. and in that situation, the sanity of one family member meant the sanity of all. my parents saw the strength i drew from you and were able to feel a little stronger as well, whether or not we really took note of it at the time. you helped my entire family through the most difficult thing we have been through together. mostly, you just cared, and that meant the world.
i love and admire so many things about you. the way you are at once strong and gentle. the incredible kindness you have. the way you get along with brie and miyo and katie. the way you try to listen and understand what i'm saying to you, even when it is coming out in sobs or harsh words. you have always taken me seriously, yet not let me take myself so seriously that i self-destruct. i love the way you laugh when something funny catches you off-guard. it's so free and uninhibited. sometimes it seems like a maniacal giggle. that's another thing, the giggling. seeing a man of your size and stature giggle is enough to melt my heart into a gooey pile of mush. i love your tattoos, your crazy-thick hair, the way you play with your goatee. it makes me smile when you rub your face with your hands, feeling the sandpapery 5 o'clock shadow that inevitably shows up by noon. i love your eye for photographs. your images move me, even in their rough drafts and initial prints. you see things in a different light and manage to capture them and put them on paper. sometimes it takes my breath away. i'm so glad you are pursuing this thing that you love and are good at. i love that after almost three years of spending hours and hours together each day, you can still still say something that surprises me and makes me laugh. or look at me like i'm the most beautiful woman alive. i love the way you hug me in the middle of the night. i love it when you tell me you love me, and the words are alive and full of meaning. sometimes it's like you are saying it for the first time.
i could go on. forever. this is a public site however, and this post is already ridiculously long. for the other people reading, this is just a glimpse into how i feel about you. i know some of my friends truly understand how important you are to me and how wonderful you are. from the first time brie met you and saw us together, she approved. brie has known me most of my life. she saw then and can see now that when i am with you, i have a little bit of extra glow, extra happiness, that i never had before. my step-dad stew sees me smile and relax when you come into the room, and loves you for it. these people who are so dear to me love you because of the way you love me. you treat me the way i deserve to be treated. they also love you because they see what i see. you are an amazing person. i can only hope to be as wonderful to you as you are to me.
happy birthday, baby. i love you.
Elaine (aka Munchkin)
the good and the bad
i have so much to write about, so much going on in my head right now. i have a few different posts in the making, but i'm exhausted just thinking about writing any of them so they are going to have to wait for now. here are some quick tidbits:
my weekend in vancouver was absolutely AMAZING. if you've ever considered visiting sylvia, DO IT. first, because sylvia is wonderful. also, she lives in one of the most beautiful places in the world. it was incredible. thanks for a great weekend sylvie, you and your friends and especially PiC were all so wonderful and hospitable. more later on kayaking, wreck beach, sylvia's BEAUTIFUL campus, and much much more. we had a great time, and it was a much needed escape from the united states.
i can't wrap my head around america right now. i am often disturbed by what is going on in our world but this is all too much, too close, too fast. it's insanity. it's tragic. i feel so small and helpless.
i am so torn. i am struggling to avoid what often happens to people: with so many things i feel like i should or could do, instead getting overwhelmed and doing nothing. i want to quit my job and hitch-hike to new orleans to give something, anything, to the people who are suffering so much. i want to keep my job and donate my paychecks. i want to throw myself back into politics to try to get THIS FUCKING JOKE OF AN ADMINISTRATION out of our country. i can't stand it. i'm tempted to just crawl into a hole and cry until it all goes away, but it won't. so i will do what i have done before in the face of tragedy around the world, and find some sort of balance between doing what i can and still living my own life, not other peoples tragedies. i have a sneaking suspicion that much of my life will be living through tragedies, my own and those of others. i have to learn how to use my pain and sadness and outrage in an effective, constructive manner. i'm not sure how to do this.
i don't know what i'm trying to say. i'm outraged and depressed and upset. hopefully i'll write more eloquent posts later when i'm not crying and haven't just spent 28 hours on the greyhound. all i know is it's actually somewhat of a relief to be crying. up until now i've felt numb and disconnected, and more angry than sad. it was nice to have a weekend away from emails and blogs and the news and america. it's also good to come back to the place i'm beginning to call home, san francisco, read the news and responses from the blog world, watch the images on the little tv we keep under the table for times like this, and feel completely devastated. i hate the tragedy, but actually *feeling* this sad at least makes me feel like there is some hope. that not everyone in this country is as blind as our politicians. that there are still people whose hearts are breaking for the people of new orleans, just like they broke for the tsunami victims, and for those who live war-torn lives, and for 9-11 victims, and for every tragedy that happens in this world. i'm only just realizing that a substantial part of life is just making through the sad things and trying to lessen the pain, for myself and others, by pushing back at it with good thoughts and acts.
these days i look at the news from around the world and it seems almost apocalyptic. people often scorn my optimistic world-view as naive. perhaps it is. it is also my way of surviving. i can't make the world a perfect, happy place. i CAN appreciate the beautiful things in this world, and work hard to fight back at the terrible things. i can aim for idealistic, and perhaps achieve balance. at least i'll be trying.
the inbox of doom
i have 2,682 emails in my gmail account. that's the stuff i decided NOT to delete. that's a significantly reduced number. i could reduce it more, but why do it now when i don't need to. every so often i go a couple of days without going through my inbox. this is a bad, bad thing. in that couple of days, my inbox inevitably skyrockets into the triple digits; full of news updates, political emails, nonprofits, travel information, records from my credit cards and billing companies, and about a dozen from real live human beings i am (accidentally) ignoring because i feel overwhelmed. if you are one of those people i am sorry. your name has a gold star next to it so i will write you an email.
today i attacked my inbox and got it down to a low two-digit number. the problem is, EVERY SINGLE ONE of those emails has a gold star. i'm trying, i promise i'm trying.
that is the horror and the glory of my inbox. i know i should unsubscribe from things, and believe me i try, but some of them i really do read at least a paragraph of every time i get them, and it helps keep me on top of things when i'm faltering. so for now, i'll just have to go in spurts of tackling my emails.
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in other news. my plans for the coming weekend seem to be anything but stable. i think we have finally landed on one plan and i'm going to hang onto that plan if it means going to canada all by myself and seeing noone. fortunately, that won't be necessary. unfortunately, i won't be meeting chris' birth mom this weekend. hopefully later. i WILL however, get to see sylvia. and i am SO excited. i have put her through a bizarre series of phone calls and emails full of surprises, cancellations, rain checks, and more. i hope she is still excited to see me :)
that's all the news for today. i'm loving san francisco. there are a lot of things i'm too tired or forgetful to write about by the time i get home and into the blogworld, but i am indeed enjoying myself. last weekend we went to treasure island to see dragon-boat racing (similar to crew, i don't know enough about either to make distinctions) and had a wonderful time. every time i drive over the bay bridge i catch my breath at the sight of the bay. i have always wanted to live by the ocean, specifically this one, and it fills me with happiness every time i see it. the view from treasure island is AMAZING. i need to do more ocean related activities, even if it just means taking rides on the ferry.
that said, it's strange how quickly things become familiar and habitual. already the walk home past union square and up my street is completely mundane as far as the scenery goes. it's easy to see why people like to move away from home, no matter where home is. there are always new people though, and this city is so big that i'd have to move a hundred thousand times to exhaust all the paths on the way to work, so i have it pretty good. there is still so much exploring to do that every time i leave the apartment i don't know where to begin. ...that's all for now. we're watching "dead like me" season one on dvd and i love it! i'll try to update from vancouver and take lots of pictures!
drama-filled day in san francisco
i arrived at work at six a.m. to start my shift. at about six thirty, a man came in and started ordering a pastry and a drink, when he all of a sudden shoved his fist into our tip jar and pulled out about ten dollars. one of my co-workers yelled, "sir- NO!" and grabbed a bunch of it back. he started yelling about how he was homeless and tried to take more while we called the cops and then he ran out of the store. it's a little bit harder to feel kindly toward people when they are being belligerent and stealing your tips, even though that's probably when they need it the most.
around eight or eight thirty during the middle of a rush a man came in and jumped to the front of the line to buy a water. he apologized saying that a woman riding a bicycle had just had a seizure in the middle of the street outside our store. the paramedics showed up for that.
just before ten a.m. there was a boom that shook our windows. a little later smoke blowing past the store. there were rumors and snippets of information. two blocks away from us there had been either a bus fire, a bomb, a gas explosion, or an electrical box explosion. a woman was either badly burned inside or ran out of the building on fire. although they are still pretty ambiguous in the
cnn article we were told it was an electrical box/transformer explosion and that the woman was badly burned and in the hospital. they evacuated a one block radius and closed the streets all around. we were just outside the perimeter so naturally every single tourist pushed out of those streets came in to our store to find out what was going on. craziness. i think the woman was the only one hurt. i hope she ends up being ok.
it's so strange. five years ago everyone would have been all - oh, fire engines, big whoop. - today everyone was sort of calmly terrified and people seemed to jump to the conclusion that there had been a terrorist attack. that doesn't seem to be the case.
so. that was my day. a little tiring. time to do some errands and watch some dvds to relax.
inspired to get off my ass and do something
every few days i read or watch or see something that inspires me to do good things in this world. along with this feeling of inspiration there is always a flood of guilt. the guilt i'm noticing more than ever right now, probably because for the first time in my life i'm not in school, not volunteering, not doing something directly to help my community or our world. i needed that for a while. i took a little break, about two months, to just stop and slow down and be me without anything else. i'm going to continue with the break from school, but it's time to get up and do things again. i've noticed before (most notably christmas break 2003) that i get very depressed when i'm not involved in volunteering or school or traveling or any of the things that i feel are necessary for a healthy soul. i'm starting to feel that again, so it's time to get going. so i'm publishing a list here for you all to see, and then you can hold me accountable if i don't actually DO these things.
contact berkeley about transferring and meeting with a transfer counselor.
start volunteering at either an hiv clinic or a homeless clinic. i can't decide. maybe both.
raise money to get stethoscopes and sphygmomanometers to send to my friends at keta hospital in ghana. (ideas?)
for that matter, write my friends in ghana. what a typical american i am.
buy a grey's anatomy book and study it.
buy a physics book so i don't panic when i FINALLY take the class i've been putting off for three years. (why do i fear it? i love calculus and every other science. i just don't give a damn about rolling things down planes. ugh.)
continue to learn spanish.
that's all i can think of right now. i'm slightly under the influence though, so i'll probably think of more to add later. i'm such a light-weight.
flickr
i'm going to start using my flickr account. right now it has ghana photos plus a couple from campaigning in colorado last november. i'll be adding more old photos from my library and then i'll be adding new ones because i plan on utilizing my digital camera. cool beans. let me know if you have an account and i'll add you. or just add me. i think it tells you. i have no idea. for a computer literate person i can be so illiterate.
http://www.flickr.com/people/miss_elaineous/http://www.flickr.com/photos/miss_elaineous/
morning shifts
walking to work at four in the morning is strange. it's a strange mix of mostly empty streets, a few drunk people, a few homeless people, and a few men on the way to work who try really hard to show that they are in no way threatening. which i totally appreciate. it's still rather dark, after all. the strangest thing is hearing my neighbors still up partying or seeing people drinking through lit-up windows. it's like bizarro world.
work was long today, but good for a couple of reasons. one was that being nice and trying to find the good things in people actually payed off for me, which doesn't always happen but i keep doing it anyway. i was having trouble getting along with someone at work. i liked her before and after shifts, but during i was having trouble not thinking angry thoughts at her. so today i wrote her a little appreciation note (starbux has a board to post little notes to each other) about her being good at making our regulars feel special, because she is. later she talked to me and apologized for making me feel bad about work and hugged me. she was really concerned about it and so nice and it's just communication errors. it feels so good to get rid of bitterness between people. i usually get along with people so it gets under my skin when i don't. *smiles* so that was good.
bad was the people who told me they gave me a twenty when they really didn't, so my till was off. *bad thoughts* i'm usually right on, so one time should be ok, but i'm such a perfectionist that it makes me really mad.
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ok, so as it stands right now, i have travel plans:
SEPT 2-4
Vancouver, B.C.
hang with sylvia and go to a wedding and meet chris' birth family. eek. but cool.
some time in november or december (hopefully)
utah
uh... yeah.
spring break for other people
Chicago, IL
visit Jady and Jaime and seeing Jenn and Nathalie (hopefully)
MAY 19-21
Yale (and maybe new york before or after)
Taniyah's graduation, seeing nathalie... and new york with mama (hopefully)
um. so apparently i'm a very hopeful person. and ambiguous. you might as well stick a "hopefully" on vancouver too. but i did get work off for that one. so i'm following through on visiting a couple of people. and seeing others. and i'm TRYING, people. but i'm soooooo poor. i'm in the red. *cries*
my mama asked about my money situation today and i answered that i'm doing okay month-to-month budget but the month of moving and no job really ate it up fast, so i've got some debt. BUT i've managed to get it so it accrues no interest until january. that way if i haven't whittled it down by november it can be happy birthday debt relief time. hehe. she laughed at me :)
i miss people. i'm not sure i'm making the right choices. i'm scared. but i'm happy. and in love. and testing my limits and myself. and that counts for a lot.
an actual update
i was sitting down to update and ended up with a sappy tirade about blogging (seen below), instead. i realize i haven't updated this blog since june, and much at all since it began, really. so... here we go.
i left utah in the last days of april to search around for a good apartment in san francisco. chris and i looked at many, many apartments and finally found THE ONE! which turned out not to be the one because we didn't get it but we did get one in the same building that has turned out to be superior to the first. it is on the corner and has windows and light galore.
we then proceeded to bounce back and forth between california and utah a ridiculous number of times, sometimes only for a day or two or due to bizarre circumstances like my parents' car breaking down in california and needing to be driven back to utah across the desert WITH NO AIR CONDITIONING.
somehow amidst all the bouncing chris started school at the academy of art and i got a job at starbucks. yes, starbucks. believe me, the discussions have occurred (mostly on my other blog) and i think everybody came out feeling if not pleased, then at least decently ok with the concept of elaine working at starbucks. i'm more impressed with starbucks globally and locally than i ever thought i would be, and they treat their employees well, so it's a good thing for me right now. chris is liking school and i love watching him do something he really enjoys. school is school but at least this time it's something he actually wants to be studying.
i left utah for the last time on fourth of july weekend after attending the stewart family reunion and actually saying goodbye to my parents not knowing when i would see them again. it's only been a month but it feels like a really long time and i miss and appreciate my parents so much. that goes for utah too. which was pretty much the point of moving. i have always been very close to my parents and it's hard for me to be away from them when i was finally starting to recognize and interact with them as people and friends and not just parents. i guess it's designed that way, growing up.
july for me was a month of working and settling in and getting used to the fact that i actually live here. i've been reading a lot and loving it. i really didn't have a chance when i was in school, what with always being behind on my reading for classes or for my chemistry lab job. lots of fiction and fantasy and some medical anthropology, which is fascinating but a little hard for me right now because it just makes me feel guilty about not rabidly pursuing my medical career RIGHT THIS MINUTE. it's pretty tough for me to just chill and not think about medicine and what i should be doing for medical school every single minute, but that's why i need this time. i need to find out who i am apart from chemistry and classes and my dreams of medical school. those are all important parts of my life and they continue to be my passions, but i need to explore the rest of myself right now, and it's difficult but interesting.
our studio apartment is very small and somehow we have fit our material lives into it. this is sometimes frustrating and sometimes liberating. chris and i are doing quite well. we're good at putting up with each others' insanity (*ahem* mostly my insanity but who's keeping track?) and i love him more than ever. it seems he feels similarly. there was some concern about being stuck in one room together (mostly other people worried for us) but it's fine so far. i have so much more clothing and other crap than he does. it's amazing. i need to be more like that someday.
the last week has been full of visits from my brother and them from joe and emiko. davey just got back from europe and two days later he hopped on his motorcycle and came out to see us. i missed him so much. europe was quite good for him, i think, and it was great to see him and talk with him about europe and traveling and art and life. we went to the asian art museum (which is right down his alley) and to the
universe within exhibit (which is right down my alley) and generally wandered around. i am so lucky to have him for a brother. when he met me at the bart station with his hair gone and standing next to his motorcycle i thought, "he's not just my little brother anymore, he's an intelligent, attractive man and other women think of him that way, how funny and great". he's been that way for a while but i have a hard time letting go of my image of him as my little brother.
the same morning davey returned to utah, joe and emiko left it and drove here. they roadtripped here to see us and san francisco and then left to portland to see emiko's friends. i have missed joe a lot. he has been my best friend since we were babies and we still have a connection that is wonderful. again, it is strange to think of him as a man with talent and vision and passion and everything else. he is a developing but already fascinating artist and he's so great to be around. i'm so at ease with him. my boys are all grown up. *sniff* it was great to see emiko and get to know her better. i'm incredibly protective of my friends and especially my boys and i so approve! she is fun and warm and bright and all the things that i hoped joe could find in a companion. it was great to spend time with both of them. we have some entertaining photos that i will post to flickr sometime soon. we went to see an opening at the
hotel des arts and it was amazing. such a cool idea. it's only a few blocks from our apartment, on the same street even. we wandered around the city and climbed the scaffolding that was outside my building for repainting, and other such debauchery. they were both so great and made fabulous house guests. we discovered we really can sleep two extra people in our apartment using mats on the floor. it was a good weekend.
i have been up and down with excitement about being here and guilt about everything i feel like i should be doing right now. i get overwhelmed easily and it can be exhausting to just stay sane. fortunately i have chris to try to keep me balanced. i am so in love with him. whenever we go through something hard, it just leaves me more impressed with his ability to love and comfort me and treat me the way i deserve to be treated, even when i struggle to treat him as well. we are happy and lucky to be happy. no matter what happens in my life, i will have had these years, with good friends in utah, new experiences in san francisco, and chris with me through it all. sometimes i need to just live in the moment and realize how lucky i am. it is something i am consciously working on this year. wish me luck.
that brings things more or less up to speed. i have to open at starbucks for the next three days, which means showing up at 4:15 AM, so i should go crash. sorry about the long posts and the sappiness. right now i feel overwhelmed with so many different emotions that it's hard not to be sappy or sad or serious, depending on what i'm talking about. my friends are all doing exciting things and i love that. (and miyo is going to indiana! and she reads my blog! or i hope she still does :D). good luck to everyone who is moving or travelling (THAILAND!) or starting school or whatever else in the next month. i love you all. i am a sap. you love me anyway. goodnight.
a blog post about blogging
it has been a very long time since i posted here and there is a lot to say. first though, i need to talk about blogs for a little bit.
i didn't know what i was getting into when evie convinced to me to start a livejournal. i thought it would just be a way for me to keep in touch with her, and it has been. i've been able to stay connected with evie, jd, jenn, sylvia, and nathalie in a way that i wouldn't have if it had been up to calls and emails. i've also gotten to know more about people i didn't take the time to get to know in high school, and met some people i never knew at all before. i'm able to keep in touch with the people i care about in a much more in depth way than was ever possible before.
the other, more unexpected part about blogging is how healing it is for me. i've never been good at keeping journals, handwritten or even typed. for some reason expressing myself to someone, even if it's the nameless internet, is very good for relieving the chaos that sometimes builds up in me. i talk to people in person of course, communicating is very central in my life, but writing it gives me more clarity. some of the most important events in my life have happened in writing. when i try to express myself by talking, my emotions can well up and be misdirected or overtake what i'm trying to say. writing gives me clarity and the ability to attempt to say what i really mean. even as a little girl i would end fights and make up by leaving notes for my brother or my parents. the only way i was able to save my relationship with chris, in those first scary weeks, was by writing a letter so i didn't let my emotions distort what we were trying to do and what i was trying to say. thank goodness for that. a few confused sentences and i could have missed out on so much happiness.
reading, too, has helped a lot. for some reason i am the most taken by dooce and the other smart, funny "mommy bloggers". i think because they feel overwhelmed and for the first time there is a way to release that into a place that is bigger than the little worlds we create and live in. i can completely relate to that, and i feel like i can sympathize and draw strength from them as a fellow woman who often doesn't know what to do with all my emotions and problems and questions and decisions. blogging my thoughts and reading those of others is surprisingly therapeutic, and i'm glad it is available to the women of our generation. (everyone, really, but i'm focusing on women right now.)
i don't know if anyone has been following all the fervor surrounding Blogher, but it's just so stupid. for the first time women who have been feeling lost and alone and overwhelmed are able to write about it and in doing that, release some of the sadness and heaviness. mommy bloggers and otherwise. of course men do it too, and i am happy for that. the women of Blogher are being accused of being separatists, of stirring up bitterness in gender politics. even among the women who attended Blogher, people were pointing fingers at different types of blogs and dismissing the merit or importance of blogging about your own life, or your child's. i have often had people ask me why i keep a blog, or ask if it is narcissism, to think that my life is worth blogging. it isn't about that. for me, it's about not feeling crushed by the turmoil in my heart and my mind. people generally regard me as stable, but i struggle like everyone else. i wake up every morning with guilt and fear and insecurity in my head, and go to sleep at night with the weight of all the things i didn't accomplish that day, for myself, for chris, for the world. sometimes it's completely overwhelming and i feel like i can't keep on doing my daily activities with all this on my heart. blogging has helped me keep going. reading the blogs of others (
dooce and
crazyus especially) inspires me to keep going and to find kinship among people in real life and on the web.
so... thanks evie, for introducing me to this. and thanks to everyone whose presence on the internet makes life in the real world that much easier or meaningful. i need this. when i'm crying and lost and alone i need the love of someone who loves me and understands me, like my wonderful chris, and i need to get it out there and express myself. here i can do that.
i am not dead
hello everyone! like the title says, i am not dead. just very overwhelmed and very slackerish about updating on the internet. everything is wonderful here. the weather has been incredibly sunny and nice and not-too-hot. i did get a nice san francisco rain and foggy day this week, which made me quite happy. i also adopted a digital penguin for my blogs in honor of miyo :) it's over there --->
everything will be even more wonderful here when i get a job. i'm currently working on that. hopefully i'll end up working in a coffee shop. between peet's, tully's, starbucks, and all the independent ones, that should be possible. i haven't been as on top of the job searching as i should be. like i said, i'm a bit overwhelmed, so i thought i would remedy the situation by being jobless to make me even more overwhelmed, with added guilt and stress. i'm so smart.
i have accomplished a FEW things though; all the little stupid things you don't realize you have to worry about until you move somewhere. i also spent a couple of days living through dmv lines and i just received my shiny new california driver's license WITH motorcycle endorsement, thank you. yay! i've cheated the system with that motorcycle license. the night before my driving test back in september in utah, i dropped the big heavy bmw while practicing for the U-turn. it has drop pegs so everything was just fine but i still burst into tears and was too psyched out to take the test on it the next day, so i just took it on the scooter. i could have lied about the size of the scooter engine, but if any of you have ever watched me attempt to lie you know it's a bad, bad plan. i told them it was only 90 ccs and they said they would give me a restriction for scooter-only. but they never did. it slipped through the system. now i'm here and all they did was look at my utah license and have me take the written tests again. i successfully avoided having to take the driving test on a big bike. i promise i'll take a rider safety class to get comfortable with this bike, but at least i don't have to deal with the stupid test.
this week i got to see my cousin, taniyah who i hadn't seen in quite some time. she just got back from a study abroad in spain and subsequent travelling through europe. SO JEALOUS. it was great to go out with her and my grandmother and great to see her again. i really need to go visit her at yale this year; it's her senior year and i've been wanting to visit for quite some time. i wish i could have visited her in spain :) davey is there now and i hope he is having a marvelous time. he's 18 and backpacking through europe for 46 days, and i'm so proud of him.
speaking of davey, i'm also just feeling lucky to have him in my life. a little over a year ago, as most of you know, davey jumped off the 9th story of a building near my apartment. that night and the following weeks were the worst of my life. i hope i'll never know what it feels like to be that depressed and not in control of my life, and i'm so sorry he had to feel that way. i remember in the days and weeks following, several doctors and psychiatrists told us that he was almost certainly going to try to kill himself again. fortunately, he didn't, and he's still around. i'll never quite understand how he managed to get out of a 9 story drop with only a couple small surgeries, but he did (with a little help from a freshly-filled planter) and we're so lucky he's still with us. he has always been fun and interesting, and now he's growing up, too. he's intelligent and sensitive and interested in the world, and it's fun to be able to have real conversations with him like i would with any other friend i love and respect.
today is his birthday, so i was thinking about all this and crying a little bit when i wrote him a birthday card last friday. just after i mailed it out, i got a call from JD, saying her sister had attempted suicide and what was it with our siblings? ashley was in the hospital and jd was under the impression the paramedics had revived her. i'm still not quite sure what happened. i was shocked and sad for jd and her family, attempted suicide is a hard-enough thing and i know how much havoc and pain it caused in my family, even when davey turned out to be ok. she called me back about 20 minutes later to say ashley had not survived her attempt; she had died. my heart just broke. i am so sad for jd and ashley and everyone who is hurt by this happening. we all hoped she'd be able to recover and be healthy again, but sadly she wasn't able to beat it. i didn't know her very well but i always thought she was beautiful, strong, and funny, just like the rest of the women in the family. you may be a crazy bunch, but jd, your mom, sisters, and you in particular, are some of the strongest, most beautiful women i have ever been lucky enough to know. when davey tried to kill himself it tore me apart and left scars that are still incredibly painful and probably will always be there. i can't imagine what you are going through right now but i know it must be extremely painful and difficult, and i wish i could be there to help you through it. i know you are strong and keeping yourself busy like we do to keep from collapsing, but i worry so much about you. just know how much you are loved. by me and by all of your friends. good luck making it through all of this.
Here are some links in memory of Ashley Brooks:
Ashley's Obituary and Guest BookAnorexia Nervosa and Associated DisordersDonate Blood at givelife.org and also:
Suicide Awareness
trains
it's almost 5:30 pm and i haven't even had breakfast yet. i guess i'll just skip it and go eat sushi with jenn, marc, nathalie, and whoever else is there :)
i've decided riding trains is extremely fun just based on the people you meet. for some reason really adventurous poor people ride trains. i met a 21 year old girl from norway who is backpacking through the US and gave her a ride to a hostel in salt lake city. i met a 22 year old girl who just got back from sri lanka, india and taiwan. i also met a 20 year old boy who is moving out of california because he is sick of it and he's never been to colorado but he's packed up all his stuff and is moving there, because he knows a couple of people there. so entertaining. and they actually have good food. yum.
off to shower so i will be let into marc's house.
strangers on a train
05/12/05 03:21 PM Truckee, CA (Tahoe)
I’m on my way back to Utah. I like this time schedule better than the one on the way out. I’m awake and moving around for all the pretty scenery around Donner Pass and Tahoe, and I can go to sleep or distract myself in the middle of the Nevada desert. Only drawback: I get off the train at 3:15 in the morning. I’ll be back in town until Tuesday or so, and then it’s retracing the same path in a U-Haul.
You can tell which posts I write online and which ones I write using Microsoft Word by how proper my spelling, grammar, and capitalization are. (By the way Evie, no man can ever take your grammar from you, even if he has the coolest name ever.)
I like traveling alone, it gives me a chance to talk to new people and not fall into my familiar conversational patterns or attitudes. Not that I mind my normal patterns, but it’s sometimes nice to be able to choose how you present yourself to people. That said, it would be way fun for four of us to go in on a sleeping car and go on a long train trip. It’s two nights on a train from San Francisco to Chicago, and we could get out and visit friends on the way in Salt Lake and Denver. Anyone up for it? The food is actually really good, albeit incredibly expensive, but I think if you get a sleeping car meals are included in the price.
I’m sitting next to two separate groups who each have a toddler. The two of them (one boy, one girl) are really cute and surprisingly intelligent. The three year old girl knows more about skeletal anatomy than I do. If I have children someday I want them to be playful and kick-ass smart like this girl.
Why is it that we’ve been posting about little kids lately? I think it’s partly because we are out in the world around children we don’t know, but also because this is the age when our bodies are gearing up for childbearing. Yikes. I wish we could get evolution to roll the bio-clock forward a decade or so, because I don’t think 20 year olds are the prime demographic for child raising. Every time I see a little kid that makes me swoon, I have to remind myself that I don’t have to make any decisions now. I can picture myself as a mother and a pretty good one, but that’s always second to the way I actually picture my life. I don’t want to have to give up pieces of either lifestyle, and right now I can’t imagine pulling back from the international/domestic aid lifestyle I imagine and hope to live. * sigh * Like I said, I don’t have to decide right now, thank goodness. Don’t be too surprised if I come back with a cute little African baby, however. I don’t know how many adorable little black babies I can resist.
Ok. No more baby talk. We’ve been following a beautiful river down out of the mountains and into Nevada. Hopefully I’ll get a chance to go Beaver Ponding with Jenn et al when I’m back in Utah next week.
I’m feeling a bit guilty about the money I’m spending to fly back to Utah next week, but I’m not quite ready to leave and not see people and be there for important events in there lives. Some I’ve loved all my life and some I’ve only recently gotten to know and love but I might never see again. I’m getting used to the idea of giving things up here and there, but I don’t want those things to be my closeness with my friends. I also feel guilty pretty much every time I spend money on anything. I want to live in a trade-based society. Bah.
Side-note: Why do 50 something year old men feel like it is ok to ask young women on trains back to their sleeping cars. Most of us in this crowd (except you, Ebling) feel fondly toward older men, but not pompous unattractive ones you are stuck with on a train. Yikes.
P.S. Does anyone read this blog? Maybe I should copy/paste these posts into livejournal for easy friends list access. Any opinions? I like blogger better for my own reasons, but I could always run them simultaneously.
oops
i almost forgot to link to the
photos!
i promise the shower curtain isn't that creepy color in real life. it scared my family :) i just have struggles with my digital camera.
so... yeah, come see it once we've moved in!
time to move in
ok, we did it. most of you already know this because of the emails and other blog and whatnot. all of those things and the general feeling of being overwhelmed have kept me from updating. the overwhelmed feeling is slowly going away. we saw about 25 apartments, i think. i really have no idea because after about 10 they all blend together and you just have to ignore them unless you really really like them. we finally found a couple we really liked and put in applications for them. the one i fell in love with was a little small but it was exactly what i had been imagining in my head, and chris liked it too. we didn't get that one, but we decided to go for another one in the same building that they were still working on. we got it, and that's the one you've seen pictures of. it's turned out to be a much better choice than the first one, with more space and a lot more light. we have two sets of bay windows, yay! i've started sweeping and scrubbing bubbling and windexing and it looks great, although it wasn't very dirty in the first place. they take very good care of the building. the manager is this funny old lady who seemed senile at first but is actually just odd but very nice and helpful and on top of things. so... big sigh of relief. we're done and we're happy with what we found.
chris went back to salt lake yesterday to work on making a light table with stew and pack up his stuff. he abandoned me and took the plane. he's not a big fan of train rides. i'm leaving tomorrow morning on the train and i get back at about 3 am on friday, so i'll be around for the weekend to play in salt lake city. hopefully we'll be on our way back here in a u-haul by tuesday or so. we also got two folding mat things from my grandparents that are comfy and we're going to get another one, so people can come visit us! now we just need to find a futon bed for ourselves. see how much we love you?
i am currently sitting in borders waiting for an amy ray concert to start. if you don't know, amy ray is one half of the indigo girls, and has her own cds as well. only 2 more hours to go, buter there are already about 15 other women staking out seats. it's a free in-store concert and signing, so that's fun and exciting. i'm also eating a cheese and tomato melt sandwich. you vegan girls are insane, this is so damn yummy. not that you don't all know that about cheese, but at least soy cheeses are getting better these days. ok, time to decide whether to buy an extra cd and have it signed... see some of you soon!
apartment searching
let me just start by saying Jon Stewart is the funniest, smartest, most attractive man alive (aside from Chris, *of course*). it's going to be hard to post this while watching The Daily Show.
"When Sean Hannity is the voice of reason, we've taken the bus to crazy town people."
we arrived in california late but eventually made it to my grandmother's house in newark. (complete with a late-night taxi ride during which i said, "i have no idea where the street is but that's the back of the culdesac, i'm sure it is!"). we stayed there saturday night and had her wonderful tacos on sunday. we decided to head into the city on sunday to check out a couple of places that looked good. it was encouraging to see that although neither place was everything we wanted, i would be pretty happy living in either of them. one thing i did learn was that hardwood floors are not necessarily better than carpet because sometimes the "hardwood floors" are more dingy than any carpet you can imagine. we ate a nice dinner in north beach and decided we need to do reconnaissance to find cheaper but really good restaurants.
we went out this morning and had pastries for breakfast (oh the problems i will have with this city and food), and made a list of apartments to go visit. we learned it's easier to skip the rental management company altogether and just ring the building manager. we also learned there are some completely insane building managers. we did see several cool options though, one which we really really like except for no hardwood floors... we'll see what happens.
i'm not very good at this whole apartment searching business. it's as if every apartment we consider opens up all my insecurities and stresses i have about moving and jobs and school and money and being indebted to people and and and... poor chris has to deal with my rollercoaster moods: "we're never going to find anything we like and can afford" ... "i can't believe that one is so big for not much money, this is wonderful, this is going to be great" ... "i'm never going to be able to afford the rent if we get anything half-way decent" and so on every two minutes. i have a tendency to tie every little thing into the bigger picture, ie. i didn't do the BEST job on my chemistry test, i'm OBVIOUSLY going to be incapable of surving medical school or even getting in in the first place. today it's: this apartment thing isn't perfect the first day so OBVIOUSLY this whole moving thing is bound to fail and i'll never get a job or get into berkeley which means i'll NEVER get into medical school and then my life plans are RUINED. ok so mostly i'm not that bad but it goes on in my head, people. fortunately, chris is a master at encouraging me when i'm being rediculous and only really paying attention when i'm in my more natural optimistic phase.
despite the previous paragraph about my more insane side, i really am excited to be doing this and it's so much fun to look around in studios and imagine turning them into our own space. we have a packed day of apartment searching tomorrow, but it's encouraging to know that there are already a couple of places we are happy with if nothing better shows up.
sorry this post is so scatter-brained, i told you The Daily Show would be distracting. hopefully by tomorrow we'll have a broader idea of what's out there.
amtrak
I’m writing this from the Amtrak train somewhere between Elko, Nevada and Winemucca, Nevada. We caught the train in Salt Lake at about 1 AM last night, about an hour behind schedule. Apparently we were stuck traveling behind a freight train last night so we lost almost another hour. As long as we get to San Francisco sometime today I’m ok with that. At least when you’re on a train you are going somewhere, unlike delayed flights. Trains are so much fun! We are in a coach-seating car and the seats go back really far and a footrest comes out so you can sleep. I wasn’t able to sleep on them as well as Chris was (and still is) but that could be due to discomfort or excitement and nervousness. I can’t ever sleep on airplanes if I’m on my way to somewhere exciting, even when I’m flying internationally.
I woke up this morning at about 7 with the sunrise, which was beautiful. We were somewhere in the Nevada desert, and being a Utah girl I like deserts. 7 AM turned into 6AM with the time change, which is going to make me very very tired later tonight. A little later on we drove through a sand storm, which I hadn’t experienced for a lot of years. It’s so strange to look out and be able to see the sun dimly through the sand. We’re going from sand storms to fog, I guess.
Chris is still asleep and I’m enjoying the passing little towns. The nice thing about trains is they are off the freeway so you get to see all the little houses in towns with populations with double-digit numbers.
